DEALING WITH THE GRIEF OF ADOPTION

Losing a child to adoption is one of the most significant losses that birthparents will ever have to face. Today, open adoption is often presented to birthparents as a way to lessen the grief of losing a child to adoption. Your emotions may run the gamut, from sadness, to anger, guilt, relief and anxiety, all in one day! There is no set timetable for processing your loss. As the shock wears off and more intense feelings of sadness and pain begin, many will enter a period of denial. Denial that goes on for too long, however, can be a form of repressing your emotions. Oftentimes repressed grief will manifest itself in seemingly unrelated ways such as phobias, anxiety, psychosomatic illnesses, and irritability.

Phases of Grief

Sorrow and Depression

Anger

Guilt

Acceptance

When to get professional help. Remember that grieving is often a process of two steps forward, one step back. There will be days that are better than others, and also days where it takes all that you have just to cope. Be patient with yourself. Talk to others who love and support you when you need to and take time alone when you have to. Give yourself permission to not be 100% at all times.

Letting go is difficult. This child is "mine", yet she is not with me. The ambivalence, potentially intensified with openness in adoption, is crucial for birth families to understand. Moving to an understanding of feelings can help you define your loss: loss of interaction, loss of family, loss of role, loss of status, loss of security, loss of self worth, loss of direction, loss of control. These losses are future-oriented, and have more to do with what could be. The loss is on-going, and with openness, may be re-experienced each time information is shared about the child showing her growth and development. What are the keys to a healthy understanding of loss? Validation and affirmation, making grief tangible by journaling or making a scrap book, use the nature of the openness to rejoice in the life, health, and personality of your birth child. Trust yourself and the journey you are on. Be patient, recognizing the courage to work through your grief will ultimately liberate you. For more information about grief read LIFEGIVERS: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption.